Texas Criminal Law Generator

Every two years our most electable citizens gather in Austin to enact new criminal laws. Passing a new criminal law can be hard. You must invent a crisis that only a new criminal law can solve, and then convince other reps to vote for it. This takes time away from important activities like boozing it up with lobbyists or pandering to special interests. To help streamline the process I have created the Texas Criminal Law Generator. This system creates instant “tough on crime” legislation that is guaranteed to pass and be signed by Rick Perry!

If you are a politician who needs the appearance of “doing something about crime” without being distracted by details like justice, rights, or liberty, the TCLG is for you.

First, pick a politically marginalized group
1. Sex Offenders
2. DWI defendants
3. Gang Members
4. Oysters!
5. Illegal Aliens
Next, define the verboten activity
1. Using a cell phone in a car
2. Medicinal Use of Marijuana
3. Possessing a dildo
4. Teaching Evolution
5. Salvia Possession

Choose a punishment
1. 30 days in county jail
2. $1,000 a year driver’s license surcharge
3. Flogging
4. Asset Forfeiture
5. John Bradley ethics seminar
Finally, add some “enhancements” to look serious
1. In a drug free zone
2. With a minor child in the car
3. During a lap dance
4. While carrying a gun
5. Sundays before noon.

Here is a proposed law- It shall be against the law for DWI defendants to teach evolution, the sentence shall be a John Bradley ethics seminar, unless committed on Sunday before noon, in which case you will be flogged.